


heaven

by shotastic



Series: projecting [4]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups-centric, Depression, Hurt No Comfort, Mentioned Yoon Jeonghan, Minor Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Yoon Jeonghan, Sad, Why do I do this to myself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:48:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27126091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shotastic/pseuds/shotastic
Summary: seungcheol wasn't sad.he really wasn't.he just wasn't as happy as he should be.
Series: projecting [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2145942
Comments: 1
Kudos: 11





	heaven

seungcheol was still walking.   
he was still walking, even though it had been a while since he had left the house. he didn't know where he was, there wasn't any signs to be seen. he didn't know what time it was, his phone had died on him a while ago, just as he was about to call one of his friends back.   
they were worried, seungcheol knew that.  
but he just kept walking.

with dried leaves under his feet, a soft wind blowing through his blonde hair, seungcheol pulled his brown coat closer to him. it was cold, of course it was. the sun had already gone to bed, a place seungcheol was dreading to be in, too.

normally he didn't like the dark, normally he didn't like walking alone.   
but normally, he didn't feel this way.

seungcheol didn't feel sad, he really didn't. he didn't feel the usual sting in his eyes, or the small tears rolling down his cheeks. he didn't make any sounds, not the usual sobs and whimpers.   
so, seungcheol concluded, he did not feel any sadness in this moment.   
he just... didn't feel as happy as he should.   
there wasn't really a way to describe it, though. he wasn't really feeling empty, at least that's what he thought. he just felt... normal. maybe a little bit more sad than normal, but normal anyway.   
with a sigh, seungcheol stopped walking and decided to finally, _finally_ pay more attention to his surroundings.   
  
oh, he should've done that way sooner, that's what he thought as soon as he realised.  
_he did not know where he was. not at all._  
  
seungcheol looked around, hoping to find any source of light, at least he would feel more at ease then. but no, nothing. just trees- was he in a damn forest?   
"oh, you've got to be kidding me...", he mumbled, fishing out his phone. after many tries of turning it on, he dropped it back into his pocket. it was no use, his phone was as lively as a rock. with a small pout on his face, seungcheol rubbed his hands together to at least feel a little warmth. what time was it now? he hated how the sun would set earlier in autumn, it could be only 7pm and still feel like 2am. he had left the house at... 5pm, so it could actually be around 7pm now. he hoped he was right, any later and he would surely get a lovely meant beating by jeonghan.   
  
jeonghan.   
  
oh what would seungcheol do for a tight hug by his friend, for a shoulder to cry on even though he didn't feel like crying!  
  
he didn't feel like crying, he wasn't sad.   
  
he really wasn't.   
  
so why was he crying, in the middle of nowhere? it didn't make much sense, and yet he felt the tears roll down his cheeks, his face heating up with every sob escaping his body. that seemed to be his only source of warmth now. he wanted to go home, he wanted a hug from his friends and their hands on his back, rubbing softly.   
  
why did he even leave in the first place? where was the reason? he couldn't think of any!   
  
feeling how his legs started to shake, it was so damn cold, seungcheol slowly dropped down on the ground. the cold, wet ground, full of dead leaves and dirt and insects and _fuck_ it didn't feel good. the complete opposite, seungcheol felt even worse when the cold wetness from the ground seeped through his jeans. "for fucks sake, get it together, seungcheol.", he mumbled, trying his hardest to contain his feelings he didn't even felt before!  
but it was no use.   
seungcheol kept crying, without anything to hold on.   
  
just like his tears dripping down to the ground, he felt himself vanish slowly. if he didn't get up now, he was certain he would fall asleep right here, somewhere far away from his comfortable home. but he couldn't. he couldn't get up, he could just watch how his hands slowly froze, turning a little purple in some spots.   
he was so scared.   
was he gonna die? just like that? just because he got lost? was this really the end?   
  
"stop, stop this..", he whimpered, hugging himself tightly, "i don't want this, please stop.."   
  
so, so scared.   
  
more and more tears escaped his eyes, his sobs grew louder and louder, his breath shallower and shallower. he had to get up, why wasn't he getting up?   
"get up!" seungcheol yelled, hitting his legs over and over again. as if that would do anything.   
"get up, get up, get up..." and his yelling got weaker, he was so cold and tired.   
  
what time was it now?   
  
it felt like hours had passed, but it was probably just 7:15pm. that was what time was like. it never passed the way he wished. it ended too fast when he felt happy, too slowly when he felt sad.   
  
at one point, seungcheol decided there was no point in crying anymore, it would just use up energy, it was totally useless to cry. why would he cry if no one heard him anyway? no one would come to hug him, to comfort him, to rock him into sleep. so he stopped crying.   
  
he wondered if his lips had turned blue too, considering how every other part of body felt frozen already. with a small sigh, seungcheol looked up, expecting to see nothing.   
but for some reason, the sky looked really pretty tonight. there wasn't a single cloud to be seen, just an endless ocean of bright stars, shining like he wasn't dying down here.   
if the sky was looking just as pretty up there? was it gonna look even prettier? were the stars shining even brighter, with him just sitting next to them?   
  
a broken laugh, another small tear that was wiped away as soon as it appeared. no tears, no crying.   
  
seungcheol smiled. he didn't want to die, but if he had to tonight, he wouldn't mind. he would just accept it. seungcheol was so amazed by the starry sky, he didn't even acknowledge the quiet voices, far far away from him.   
and yet, those voices were yelling his name.   
  
angels? were angels gonna come and get him? his smile grew bigger at that thought. spreading out his arms, seungcheol kept looking up to the night sky. _take me,_ he thought, _please take me with you._ he made grabby hands towards the sky.   
  
seungcheol didn't want to die.   
he really didn't.   
he just didn't want to live as much as he should.   
  
more and more voices were yelling his name. "seungcheol!", they said, "seungcheol, where are you?!", they yelled.   
  
"seungcheol!"  
  
jeonghan? why was he here? was he an angel?   
  
seungcheol lowered his arms, slowly turning his head around to see the person jeonghan's voice belonged to. "jeonghan?", he mumbled, and when he saw a person's silhouette coming closer his way, he decided it was now okay to cry.   
  
someone would hear him now, someone would come to him if he cried.   
  
so he did.   
  
seungcheol cried out, cried out the name of his friend, his home, with all the energy he had left. crawling on all fours, his legs were too numb to carry his body, he tried to get closer.   
  
but it seemed like the angels had decided his faith already. "jeonghan!", he yelled, but the silhouette walked further and further away. "jeonghan!", he screamed, hot tears rolling down his cheek again.   
  
please don't leave, please don't leave me.   
  
"i don't want to die! come back, jeonghan!"  
  
seungcheol was begging and screaming, looking up to the stars as if it was all their fault.   
  
"leave me alone! i don't want this, i wanna go home!", he shook his head when he felt arms around him, arms that did not belong to him. "don't touch me! don't, leave me alone!"   
  
he cried and cried, even though there was no point. no point in crying, because no one was here.   
he screamed and screamed, even though no one would hear him.   
  
he was too far away, somewhere he didn't belong, somewhere he shouldn't be.   
  
"i don't wanna die", he whimpered, over and over again.   
  
seungcheol didn't want to live.   
he really didn't.   
he just didn't want to die as much either.   
  
the arms around him tightened their grip, they were warm. seungcheol wasn't, he was freezing cold. he wondered if there was any animal around, staring at him in pure shock. would he become an animal? he didn't believe in afterlife.  
another wind blew through his hair, soft voices whispered into his ears.   
he didn't hear what they were saying.   
seungcheol was so freaking cold.  
  
and tired, so damn tired.   
  
"don't let me die...", he mumbled as another dry sob escaped his lips. there was no energy left in his body, he couldn't even produce any other sounds than soft whimpers and whispers.  
  
turned out the starry sky wasn't as pretty as it seemed, it was just as dark as the rest. it was just as dead as the dried leaves on the ground, just as disgusting as the mud and insects crawling around, just as wet and cold.   
the sky was never pretty, seungcheol concluded.   
  
it was and would always be a disgusting, manipulative scene.   
  
and death wasn't pretty either, he decided. especially when you were deadly afraid of... death.   
  
so one last time, just with the small amount of energy left, seungcheol tried to push the arms around him away, just one last push.   
  
but he was too weak, way too weak. so he could only watch as he got picked up and carried away, the dark and cold forest disappearing with every step taken.   
  
he decided to close his eyes, unconsciously cuddling into the strange, angel like person.   
if angels existed, he thought, the stranger would be one. he was warm, strong and smelled just like home.   
  
home, he wondered if he would ever return home.   
  
but he wouldn't know the answer to this.   
  
seungcheol wasn't dying.   
he really wasn't.   
he just wasn't as alive as he should be. 


End file.
